


Remmy Makes a Mistake 3.5: Repackussions

by zorotokon



Series: ZTG Requests [5]
Category: Pack Street - Fandom, Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Multi, Outing Yourself, References to Prostituion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-19 14:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10641330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorotokon/pseuds/zorotokon
Summary: Remmy has had more sexual intercourse in the past night and morning then he has had the rest of his life. Normally, this would present quite the problem for him, as he’s surrounded by a bunch of predators with very acute senses of smell who could not wait to get on his case about something like this. Thankfully, Pandora is also a predator with an acute sense of smell, and has been able to help him keep his escapades under the covers. Until now.





	1. Chapter 1

Bug Burga, my own personal pleasure palace. Some animals went to the pool after a long day’s work, others enjoyed a good whiskey on the rocks. Me? I just get a big order of fast food. Greasy, bad for my arteries, and probably going to make me fat sooner rather than later, but oh so good.

To make the day even better, I had an extra $50 to my name from Dora and I’s, uh, joint enterprises, so I could splurge a little this week. Splurging meant I had got TWO roach deluxe burgers, a roach extra-deluxe burger, cricket bites with extra dip, an extra-large cicada fry, two centi-sliders, one with real cheese, and a large soda. I was gonna eat like a pig, and I was just as happy as one in shit.

The lobby was packed today, with almost every animal, including me, stuffed onto the couch. Ozzy and Betty had arrived late to the festivities, and were subsequently forced onto the overused and ancient recliners. The only animal of note not present was Al.

I was sandwiched between Charlie, who was stealing fries, and Annie, who was eyeing my sliders with a kind of lust that I could not allow her to sate. Some game was on the TV, that’s why we were here. Exactly two of the animals actually cared about it: Wolt and Marty. I had made an attempt at paying attention, but with my food growing cold within arm’s reach, I kept finding myself distracted.

Everyone else was here because we had basic social needs, and hanging out with people we live next to provide a good method to fulfill them. If we were sims, our diamonds would be growing greener by the minute.

“So,” said Avo, leaning across Charlie to snag a fry before I could bat her away, “who would you do and why?” She wasn’t actually speaking to me, and meant of the teams playing. I hoped.

“None of them,” snapped Marty. He had been the only one here since kick-off, and his mood had been worsening since us hangers-on had joined. His concentration on the game was under a full assault from the constantly fidgeting and joking twins between us. The aardwolves were fighting for the prime sitting area of the cushion they were sharing in a low-key scuffle that primarily consisted of elbows, passive aggressive remarks about the size of the other’s derriere, and contests to see who could steal more of my food without me noticing.

“That bear in the striped jersey looks like my kind of guy,” rumbled Betty.

“I’m pretty sure that’s the ref,” replied Avo.

“You should have been more specific then,” retorted the beta, leaning back with the satisfied air of someone who had just made a verbal slam dunk. Avo rolled her eyes and looked around the room, daring anyone else to come up with a stupider answer.

Ozzy piped up next, “Some of those cheerleaders were just my type.”

“Yeah,” started the Egyptian wolf, throwing on a face of contemplation, “I’d say that at least three of them were female.” And there it was. You can’t have an actual conversation with Avo, she’s just looking for an excuse to start a fight. Should have guessed from the start, but now I’m definitely not opening my mouth.

Ozzy chortled at the jibe, his only response today, apparently.

“Now, that’s not fair,” chimed in Annie, “he also likes them to be alive-”

“Shut the fuck up and watch the game!” Marty had jumped up on the couch arm, and was glaring a whole kitchen’s worth of knives at the speakers. Avo threw up her paws in surrender and let the conversation die.

The game proceeded as these things tend to do. First one team had the ball, and then the other team did. Fascinating. Okay, yeah, I should honestly be paying more attention, it was a good game, but I had food in front of me. I’m not a primordial of patience here, if I have Bug Burga, I eat it NOW. Blessedly, the other animals actually seemed content to pay attention to the TV. Then the announcers made a sex joke and the gates of hell swung open.

“Do you think any of them don’t get laid?” asked Avo, her mind barreling down her one track for the day.

“Pascheth and Drum,” said Wolt offhandedly, “the two big tigers in nine and sixty four.” He pointed at the TV for clarification. It was so far away and the screen was such a clusterfuck of animals that he could have been pointing at a map of Zootopia and telling us where Jimmy Hoofa was buried for all the good it did.

“Really?” continued Avo, intrigued, “why would you know that?”

Wolt shrugged. “If you ever hear Pascheth speak, you’d get limp in an instant. Dude sounds like he’s been inhaling helium since the fifth grade.” Okay, that image was pretty funny. “And Drum,” Wolt continued, “he can’t string together five words in an interview to save his life. If he does, it’s only because someone’s feeding him through an ear piece.”

“Talking isn’t required to play,” mumbled Marty, who was wearing a jersey proudly emblazoned with Drum’s name and number.

“Didn’t say he wasn’t good; mammal can lateral like he‘s got magic fingers.” Wolt used the pause to pin one of my fries through the side of the bag and pull it through the new hole, skewered neatly on his claw. He smirked when I frowned at him.

Wow, that was a lot of teeth. Like, a lot. Someone said something, but, like, did Wolt always have that many teeth, and were they always so sharp? It was like looking into a bear trap. Dude could kill a guy with that set of choppers. I realized I was staring at his teeth for longer than was probably normal and tore my gaze up. Which turned into an instant disaster because I saw his eyes.

Aardwolves share the brown-yellow eyes of the hyena family, and normally they just look dull. It must have just been the glare from the TV, because right now his were a dark green. I was reminded of a moss strewn bed in a forest glade, where lovers could go to find quiet, and a moment’s tryst. The longer I stared the more golden flakes and iridescent highlights I could see. They were so close, so big, just one mammal away from me. I could reach out right now, and grab him. I could pull him close, just lose myself in those eyes forever, and-

“REMMY!” I jumped, bucking my knees and sending my food flying into Charlie’s lap. My hoof was actually halfway to Wolt’s face, and he was giving me the most confused look I’d ever seen from him. He had such an expressive face. The mask morphed with whatever emotion he needed to convey, so that every look or sidelong-glance or charming smile was done with the whole form. I forced my hoof back down. Unsure of why it had been extended in the first place.

Okay, I knew why, but I was going to play it off as unsure anyway.

“Absolute turbovirgin,” said Betty. Those two words finally succeeded in kicking me out of my fugue , and back into reality.

The rest of the animals were looking at me in states of amusement or bemusement, or in Marty’s case, barely contained rage.

“What?” I said.

The assembled busted out laughing, no doubt at a joke at my behalf that I hadn’t even heard the set up for. I rolled my eyes and slumped back into the couch, looking straight at the ceiling, once again having to sit through another public humiliation.

“Told you he was. Only a turbovirgin doesn’t know the difference,” said Avo, a huge grin smeared across her face. That many teeth didn’t have nearly as much of an appeal when they were on her, and I sneered back at the comment.

“So, if Remmy’s our virgin, then the slut is…” Avo prompted, giving the female aardwolf a pointed look.

Annie sighed, “Fine, fine, yes.” She poked her brother in the stomach, “so this lug’s gotta be the athlete.”

“Not a chance,” cut in Marty with a scowl, “Ozzy is more athletic than the two of you combined. Which makes me obviously the intellectual.”

“Can Remmy also be the fool?” asked Betty, a look of amusement tainted with slight worry on her face.

Everyone exchanged looks. What the fuck were they talking about? Intellectual? Athlete? Slut? Hold up, did they just call me a virgin? Oh, fuck, that will not stand!

“Wait a minute!” I shouted, sitting straight up, “I’ll have you know that I’ve been with tons of girls!”

“Name one that isn’t your hoof.” Avo shot back, eyebrows raised in challenge.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I glared back at her, then folded my arms and huffed. “A gentleman does not kiss and tell.”

“That’s very considerate of you,” started Annie.

“Thank you,” I said.

“And if you do meet any gentlemen, can you send them up my room?” That got another chuckle from the pack. Ozzy burst out into a fit. Of course, Ozzy was always laughing. He’d laugh at a joke on a Popsicle stick. This time, though even Betty had joined the chorus. _Et tu, Brutty?_ I thought that you, if anyone, would be above this childishness. Well, if you can’t fly above the muck, take a fucking flamethrower to the swamp.

“Janet,” I started, “Clarisse, Victoria, Onnie, Haleigh, Courtney, and Erin!” I finished, snatching back my food from Charlie, who had already started into my second burga. “And that’s just my ex’s. So kindly fuck off.” I snorted and took a triumphant bite. It tasted fine, even with a fox sized chunk missing.

“I’m 100% sure that Onnie is a made up name,” said Betty.

“Could be short for Connie,” helped Wolter.

“Or he could be telling more fibs,” said Avo, reaching around Charlie to poke at my chest, “Like that one about a nine and a half inch dick!”

I took another bite, but I just got grease and a half-shrunken pickle. I fucking hate pickles, and Rex knows that. I don’t even have to tell him no pickles at this point! The other one didn’t have pickles, why the fuck does this one have pickles? I shot a glare at Charlie, who was eyeing the rest of my food between my legs. Did she somehow slip a pickle in when she took a bite? Is she that insidious? She is, isn’t she?

All of them were! Always out to poke fun at me, or steal my food, or call me a virgin, or, or, or, I don’t know! Just fuck ‘em! Fuck ‘em all! And two can play at this game!

I put my burga down. “Fine, you caught me,” my voice cracked half way through, getting another laugh from the peanut gallery, “do you want to know the truth?”

“This’ll be good,” said Marty, finally tearing himself away from the TV to give me a measured look that meant that there was no chance in hell he’d believe the next thing out of my mouth, even if I told him the sky was blue and water was wet.

“Before a week ago, I’ve only been with two girls,” Ozzy giggled, and I gave him a glare that only made him giggle even harder, “That was years ago, and the rest I made up.” I forced the words out through grinding teeth, and no one can grind their teeth like a sheep.

Avo gave me a couple nods, a small smile on her face. “We appreciate your honesty, Fluff, even if you are a turbovirgin loser who will never get laid again.”

“Oh, okay, that’s it!” I stood up fully this time, my unimpressive height actually beating Avo’s, though she was sitting down. “You can make fun of me for eating at Bug Burga, because yeah, that’s not what a sheep would do! You can make fun of my wool, and my band shirts, and my questionable taste in colognes, but-“

“Remmy, you don’t need to-” Annie pulled at my arm, trying to get me to sit again. I shook her off. Marty, Charlie, and Avo were giving me the biggest shit eating grins imaginable. That damn fox knew I hated pickles, and this was probably all that stoat’s doing. Him and his partner in crime, that jackal who calls herself a wolf! Oooooh, well fuckers, you call out the sheep, you get the whole fucking flock!

“But!” I continued, my voice suddenly confident and buoyed by righteous indignation, “you do not make fun of my sexual performance!”

“And why’s that?” Avo asked, a coy smile belaying her clear amusement at my outburst.

“Because I’ve fucked you through a bathroom stall in the Fifth Street Park.” I got right up close to her when I said it. Everyone else leaned in to hear. “You came twice on my dick, which you couldn’t even take, all while shouting out Pandora’s name.” My eyes were slits, my voice was low, menacing, and full of command. It was the voice I had used back then. I liked that voice now. Her eyes were wide as saucers, her pupils shrunk to tiny dots, lost in her irises.  

“Holy shit!” Marty shouted, he had stood up at some point, and his face-sized grin had somehow only grown bigger. “Avo, you gotta come back at him after that!” He waited, when nothing happened he punched her in the hips, still raring to go. She didn’t respond. “Avo, you, you okay?” His voice betrayed a tiny quiver, and I knew he was hemorrhaging confidence in his side’s prize quipper.

Avo blinked and seemed to come back to reality. She was formulating a response when I spoke again, metaphorically ending this game of HORSE 5-0. “And before I fucked you? I fucked Dora. Right there, in that stall. Then when you left I fucked her again.” The only other sound in the room was the TV, happily declaring the name of the winning team. “And after that? We went back to her place, and we fucked again in the morning.” I twisted my head to the side, allowing a mirthless smile to accompany my last line. “That was three days ago, we’ve only done more kinkier shit since.”

As if in slow motion, the lollipop slipped from her mouth, twisted in the air, and shattered on the floor in a brilliant red blossom. It was the most satisfying thing I’d ever seen. It was almost as good as getting pegged. Almost.

“Is no one else going to say pics or it didn’t happen?” Wolt asked behind me, I was so fucking high off Avo’s face that I immediately answered him.

“Go the Pandora’s Box website.” I scooped up my food and made my way to the stairs, pushing past the lifeless Avo. “The gallery has three free pictures of my dick, and a paywall of $25 will give you access to the whole thing. No faces, of course, but it’s me, Dora, and even a few ones of our favorite Egyptian wolf here.” I stopped as I reached the landing. “I’ve checked them already, of course. It’s good porn, although I personally find it hard to jack it to my own work.”

The assembled members of the pack were staring at me, wide eyed and slack jawed. Avo was the first to move. She pulled out her phone, fumbling to get it out of the pocket. With trembling claws and achingly slow movements she tapped at it, searching for the pictures she now knew existed. She gulped, steeled herself, and then tapped one final time. She stared at her screen in disbelief.  She scrolled down, her expression growing more ashen as she found more and more of that night’s debauchery captured on film, and now available for paying customers. She returned the phone to her pocket and sat down, not speaking a word.

I turned back up the stairs, overhearing the aardwolves tapping furiously on their own phones.

“Does anyone have $25 on their card? I swear, I’ll pay you back!”

“Avo, you have an employee login, right? Just let us use yours!”

“Goddamn, why does the connection suck so much in here?”

“I don’t know, but if I get hit by a car while standing in the middle of the road to see pictures of Remmy fucking Dora, then that is a death I can accept!”

The centi-sliders were still warm when I got to my apartment, AND they didn’t have pickles.


	2. Remmy Make a Mistake 3.5.1: They Come A’Knocking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In his latest attempt to win the Darwin award, Remmy has outed himself as a sexual dynamo for hire. And he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for his meddling neighbors, and his single oldest, and greatest enemy, himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece was originally released as stand alone, however I later decided to include all of this particular off shoot into one single work.

I lay in a grease induced haze, just letting the seas of contentment wash over me. My face must have been now permanently locked in a smug smile, as my mind played Avo’s sinking face over and over again on repeat. This was the life. Good burga, an okay couch, and I’d just dropped the mic on a sassy pred so hard I’d left a crater. My phone buzzed. Email from the bank saying they’d seen some suspicious activities on the account: several large deposits from Pandora’s Box. Ha, looks like the pack weren’t the only curious animals out there wanting a look at some fine prey dick.

For once, everything was coming up Cormo.

Then my lock jangled and my third least favorite wolf swung the door open, filling the entryway all by herself.

“Remmy, we need to talk,” Betty stated as she entered. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for a lecture. Nothing lasts forever, good vibes especially.

I indicated the one chair in the room, but instead she shoved me to one side of the couch. With a sweep of her big paws she cleared the last of my meal onto the floor. That’ll be mildly annoying to clean up later, rude. She then sat down heavily beside me. On a better couch I would have bounced, instead I just sank towards the pit she made.

“You fucked up, again,” she said. At least this time she wasn’t literally wagging a finger under my nose. She wasn’t angry, though, so maybe she was just disappointed. First time for everything.

“Not entirely my fault,” I mumbled, “Can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”

Betty sighed and rubbed the bridge of her snout right between her eyes. “Remmy, this is why you can’t have nice things.” She placed a paw on my shoulder, pivoting me towards her like I was some child’s doll. “Yes, Avo, started it, but there was a better way to finish it than power bombing the entire pack.” I wasn’t 100% sure what that meant, but I nodded along anyway.

Her face softened and she stood, giving me a last head shake as she approached the door. She grabbed the handle, then remembered something, and turned. “Just for the record, I haven’t seen the shots, and I don’t plan to.” She pulled the door open, making her way out, “That’s a line I do not need to cross, least not today, Fluffball.”

“Bye, Betty,” I called to the closed door. Well, that went better than expected. Usually it was Avo who was giving me a lecture on pack dynamics though, and…

Eesh, I guess I did just kind of kick Avo’s teeth in. She’s a strong woman though, she can take it. I think. I mean, I’d never personally gotten her this good, or, anywhere close, really. We’d had our ripostes and thrusts before, but this, man. This was like the time I bucked her, but she had a punching bag between us then. Oh, god damnit, there goes any traces of happiness you still had left from this whole thing. Fucking, just, good fucking work, Remmy.

My door creaked open, revealing Ozzy.

“Hey, Oz,” I said, my inflection reflecting my quickly dropping mood. I waved him in. His face was unreadable, and when I patted the cleared space on the couch beside me, he grabbed the chair instead.

He stared at me, almost through me. I guess he must have been thinking of what to say, or what to do now. He finally came up with, “Can we talk?”

I stretched my arms along the back of the couch, slouching into a more familiar position. “What do you want to talk about?”

He opened his mouth, then closed it. He stared at his paws, the ceiling, and a stain on the carpet from a spilled soda I’d never cleaned up. Everywhere but me.

“If this is about the whole,” I made a vague motion, conveying what had just happened downstairs, and the reveal about my previous nights. I just got a confused look, so I used my words, “I mean, about the shouting match, or the sex stuff…”

I ran out of words, and he didn’t immediately reply. It must have been two minutes of awkward silence before he finally giggled. A good sign, I hoped. Then he proved me wrong by standing, shaking his head, and saying, “Sorry, man, I just can’t do this right now.” Then he left.

Fuck! Now I really do feel like a piece of shit. I mean, Ozzy hasn’t ever been, like, an amazing friend to me, but that doesn’t stop me from giving a shit abou-

“Where’s my money, Remmy?”

I nearly jumped out of my wool as Charlie appeared inches in front of me. She poked me hard in the chest with a claw and repeated herself. “I said, where’s my money, sheep? Don’t make me ask again.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” What the fuck _was_ she talking about?

“I introduced you to Pandora!” she threw a paw over her heart, acting like I had stabbed her, “I deserve at least a fifty percent cut on all your profits from any ventures with her.”

“That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me,” I bodily picked her up, and half dragged, half frog-marched her to the door, “and you once told me that the omega couldn’t have sex.”

“You’ll rue this day, Cormo!” she shouted as I deposited her outside my apartment, almost slamming the door on her tail. She immediately started banging on it and I put my weight against the wood, preventing her from just picking the lock and getting back in. “You can’t keep me out of this business arrangement forever!” I rolled my eyes at that. Of all the things for Charlie to be pissed off about, the fact that she wasn’t getting a cut… Okay, now that I’d thought the sentence in my mind, it made a lot more sense than it had any real right to.

The lack of any noise from outside my door gave me hope she had given up, so I locked it and watched the deadbolt. When it wasn’t unlocked from the outside immediately, I knew she had wandered off. Probably to plan how she’d go about convincing Dora to give her a percentage, but that didn’t sound like a Remmy problem, so I forgot about it. I’d gotten two feet away from the door when once again there came a knocking.

I opened it a crack at first, looking around to see if Charlie was dumb enough to immediately try again. Then I spied Wolter rubbing the back of his neck with a paw. He still had that lazy easy grin on his face, and I opened the door fully, letting the two of us talk snout to muzzle. “Hey, Wolter, want something?”

He gave me another big toothy smile and asked, “Can I come in?” _Absolutely fucking yes you can, you zen Adonis of a man._

“Yeah,” I said, leaving the door open for him as I returned to the couch.

He closed it as he entered, even locked it. I scooched over on the cushions and he sat down next to me. He just wouldn’t stop staring at me. I didn’t really mind, he had beautiful eyes, and their unending attention was like basking in the late afternoon sun after a fresh shear. Made it hard to concentrate though.

“How was she?” he asked, paws crossed on his lap.

“How was who?”

“Dora,” he rolled his eyes, thinking that I was sassing him when really I was just incapable of putting two thoughts together in his presence, “how was fucking her?”

I opened my mouth to reply, and was without words for once in my life. “Best sex I’d ever had,” I finally admitted, “especially the kinky stuff.”

He nodded, “As expected.” He must have had something else on his mind, because he batted at the bag my burga had come in with a toe, instead of immediately leaving after stating his piece.

“Did you want details, or, a play by play, or…?”

“I saw how you were looking at me down there,” he blurted out. I turned beet red. Oh fuck.

“I’m sorry,” I said, after what felt like minutes of uncomfortable silence, but in truth was seconds of both of us playing with our hooves, “I’ve just had a really intense week, and you’re a pretty good looking guy, and…” I threw my arms in the air, encapsulating the futility of logic in the face of attraction.

“Don’t be sorry,” he was looking me straight in the eye again, suddenly serious, “never be sorry for your emotions.” Then he turned his head away, giving me the sidelong glance that he more favored. “Besides, I kind of liked you looking at me like that.”

He didn’t say that he liked being looked at like that, he said that he liked it when _I_ looked at him like that. “I can look at you like that again, if you want.”

He laughed, “You charmer.” Then he smiled and I was lost to the world for a moment. “You’re pretty good for a guy’s self-esteem, but damn you can get spacey.”

“It’s just I get lost in your eyes,” I joked. “Does it really feel that good on your end?”

“I don’t know,” He leaned in close, his breath intermingling with mine, his sharp with mint, mine with sweet gristle, “You tell me.” He whispered, his gaze locked on my lips. We scooched closer, until we were centimeters apart, him almost kneeling in my lap.

“You know,” he said, not exactly interrupting the moment as much as prolonging it, “Annie ran off with the phone before I could see anything juicy.”

“I do live shows,” I said, doing my best attempt at sultry. His eyebrows raised, and he leaned back a little. Then his eyes darted from my mouth to my crotch.

“Can I touch it?” he asked.

I nodded, and he put a paw on my thigh, rubbing back and forth in a light massage. I leaned in again, bringing his face close, and he moved his paw to my crotch, where it kept rubbing. The movement sent a tingle to my dick and balls with each stroke. We were so close again, but now he was lost in his work; touching me so gently that it was like he was a whole other man, nothing like the twin I knew. That gentle caress must be the difference between fucking, and making love.

“Remmy,” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I want to see it.”

I immediately went for my belt, unhooking it as he increased the pressure and rhythm on my dick. It was only thanks to two layers of clothing dulling the touch that I didn’t have a raging erection already. I grabbed my zipper, readying myself to do this thing, and with a jerk -

A sharp tap came from the door. It was repeated immediately, and then many, many times over, like a tiny, angry woodpecker. Wolt and I both jumped at the sound, retreating to our own ends of the couch like teenagers caught making out.

“Who is it?” I asked, please be someone I can tell to fuck off.

“Who the fuck do you think it is, sheep?”

“Fuck off, Marty.”

“Open this goddamn door right now, or I’ll have Charlie pick it!”

“Fine, but hold your horses for once in your life,” I got up, redid my belt and looked over at Wolt. He shot his gaze around, a look of panic on his face. Finally he pointed at my bedroom and gave me a silent plea. I nodded, and he slipped into it, closing the door behind him.

I opened my front door and Marty walked straight through my legs, not even asking to be let in.

“Come in, come in,” I said. It could only have sounded more like ‘What the fuck do you want?’ if I had actually said that.

“Shut the door,” he commanded, scurrying up my table to almost meet me in height. I did and joined him in the kitchenette.

He was giving me the angriest, most disbelieving glare he could possibly give an animal. Had I ran over his parents earlier and no one told me? “What do-”

I got half way through my question when he burst into laughter. He double over on the table, supporting himself with the salt shaker as he screeched and howled. He finally sunk down into a tight curl, gasping for breath as he went.

What the fuck was happening?

“Holy SHIT, Cormo!” he finally got out, “I have never, in my whole life, seen Avo ever get so thoroughly destroyed!”

“Oh, uh-” I started, but he waved me down, clearly not done gushing yet.

“And when she finally saw the images, oh my fuck! I’m not going to be able to look at her without busting a gut for a _month_!” He wiped a tear from his face before continuing, “She literally couldn’t put together two words in come back. Truly masterful. I’m impressed.”

He hopped down from my table, and walked back through my apparently revolving door to the hallway. “Anyway, as a fellow prankster I gotta say that I can NOT wait until she gets you back.” He waved as he disappeared down the hallway. “Bye, Cormo, thanks for the laugh!”

My stomach sank at his last words. Shit. Avo would get me back for this, and since I had just mopped the floor with her in front of everyone she knew, well. This was going to end very badly for me.

I got up to shut the door, but a big white paw caught it before it could close.

“Cormo,” Al said as he walked into my apartment, sitting down heavily on the couch. He took up the whole thing by himself, so I took the chair.

“So, you heard?” He nodded. Word travels fast around here. “If you’re here for a lecture, Betty and I already spoke, I was just on my way to apologize to Avo.” I wasn’t actually. I had an aardwolf hidden in my bedroom that I desperately wanted to join, but that little white lie was what he wanted to hear.

He nodded, and wrung his paws together.

This whole awkward silence thing was getting old.

“You want something, or…?” I prompted.

“Yeah! Yeah,” he perked up at my question, probably glad to not have to introduce the subject himself. “So, I heard that you had a big dick.” So NOW you guys believe me? I nodded anyway, not inquiring further.

“So then, I have a question,” this had better not be going where it went with Wolter, “when you’re with a girl, how do you deal with the,” He formed an O with the pointer finger and thumb with one paw, and a fist with the other, then brought them together. The fist didn’t even come close to fitting in the hole, and I think I understood what he was asking. “With this?”

“I’m kind of slender, compared to equal lengths,” I said, “so it’s more a couple inches left outside and I’m still hitting their uterus problem.”

He nodded, pursing his lips. “Alright, well, don’t tell anyone I was here.”

I let him see himself out. Okay, good to know that Al can’t knot Ms. Roe. Fuck, I actually just thought that, and now I’ve pictured it, and now I’ve got a confusion boner. Great. I let Wolt out of my bedroom, he had apparently been listening at the door.

“We’ll continue this later,” he whispered as he slunk across the hall. His keys clicked in his lock, and he almost ran straight into his sister. The two danced around each other before finally swapping places.

Annie took a step up to me. She was breathing heavily, but she also had on a different outfit, as well as makeup. Odd to dress up for a talk with your friendly neighborhood slutty ram.

“Annie,” I said, giving her a curt nod as I held my door open for her.

“Oh, uh, actually I was just heading out.”

“Oh,” A surprise, not necessarily pleasant but not unwelcome, but a surprise nonetheless. I was getting burnt out on all of this, the entire pack having something on their mind that I had to deal with.

“Actually,” oh god damnit, “I do have one thing I wanted to ask you.”

I leaned against the frame, waiting for her to continue.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” My mouth dropped open.

“What?” I said without thinking. Her face drooped, and I quickly corrected myself, “No, I mean, sorry. You caught me off guard.” I grabbed her hanging paws, “I’d love to go on a date with you.” Her face lit up and she gave me a peck on the cheek, sending my head reeling.

“Alright, see you Saturday, Remmy, gotta jet!”

“See you then,” I said, my mind lost in a haze. I waved at her retreating form before shaking myself out of it. Yep, still can’t talk to girls, there’s that classic Cormo I know and am. I was suddenly overcome by a yawn. Aw man, how early was it? Sleep sounded pretty nice actually, but, Wolt was one door over…

“Hey, puff ball.” The words chilled me to the bone. I turned slowly, arms reflexively stretching out in front of me to defend against the attack I knew was coming. At the end of the hall stood Avo, a fresh lollipop in her mouth, and a dark look on her face.

“Hey there,” I started as she stalked closer, “I was just about to, to go and talk to you about you, and me, and what happened…” I was stammering something awful. She was shorter than Betty, but that still made her larger than me. She seemed to tower over the hallway, only growing bigger with each step closer. She looked like she was vibrating from rage, anger almost steaming off of her. Wait, no, that was actual steam. I guess she had just come out of the shower.

“I know you’re probably a little upset right now,” I said, while backing away, “and I just wanted to-”

She slammed her fist into the door frame inches from my head, “Inside, now.” I obeyed in silence. She followed, locking the door behind her. She looked at it for a moment, then grabbed the chair, and wedged it under the knob. She turned to me, her claws steepled in front of her mouth, almost making her look like she was praying.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, “I took things way too far, and I crossed a line.”

She sighed, closing her eyes. “Anubis, give me patience to deal with Remmy Cormo, the stupidest Ram alive.” She threw herself down on the couch, leaving enough room for me to join her. “So you think you might have gone overboard?”

“Only a little,” I tried a more joking tone.

She blew out through her nose in exasperation, then threw a paw across her face, scrubbing it at. “Ugh, fluff, shut the fuck up.” I did. She looked at me again, her expression unreadable. “You did cross a line, but so did I. I poked the lion and was surprised when he bit me.” She shrugged, her face finally falling to a more neutral expression, at least, compared to the collection of hard slits it had been before.

I approached the couch, when she didn’t snap at me I sat down beside her. “The whole thing must have come as quite a shock.”

“Eh,” she replied, “I suspected it all along, at least subconsciously. Just kind of half did and half didn’t want it to be true.” She flipped the lollipop over in her mouth and scratched at her neck before she continued, “So, how was she?”

I had to laugh at that. “You know, you’re the second person to ask me that today.” And don’t think I didn’t notice how you said you half wanted it to be true.

“So Wolter’s been through already, has he?”

“Yep.”

She nodded again, happy with her basic pattern recognition skills.

“So, friends?” I asked.

She made to reply, but interrupted herself with a chuckle as she thought of something funny, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I just got friendzoned by a turbovirgin.” She grinned something dark and evil at me, and I matched it right back.

 “It can be with benefits,” I offered.

She sucked hard on her lollipop, really slathering the red candy with saliva, working it like only a pro could. Then she lay back, pulled me on top of her, and finally popped the sucker into my mouth. “I think I could live with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering how long this little off shoot will go, there are two more short fics planned in it, then two more in the actually RMaM canon. We will return to your regularly scheduled lewds shortly, I assure you.


	3. 3.5.2 The End is Never the End is Never the End is Never the End is Loading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucked, cucked, and asked out on a date, Remmy wakes up the next day to find that this conga line of minor characters is far from over. He has a feeling it’s going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How to fall down a flight of stairs: Step 1. Step 6. Step 8, 9, 10, 12. This is your warning.

**The next day**

I shooed Avo out in the later afternoon, receiving an affectionate slap on the ass for my troubles. I made a mental note to piss her off more often, even if my dick might not be able to take it. Last night was incredible. Avo was a fucking amazing animal, and an animal that was amazing at fucking. It was such a smorgasbord of delight that I had trouble choosing a memory to salivate over during breakfast. Maybe when Wolt joined us, or the part when Al had yelled through the door to shut up and we had to do it in silence until he fell back asleep. Who knew having a pred hold your mouth closed could be so hot?

Okay, I did from the one time Dora had to do it, but that was… A strange coincidence of how hot it was. Maybe I should buy a ball gag. Actually, Avo probably owns one already. Wolt definitely does, but it didn’t fit me. It looked great on him though. Do sheep need special ball gags because our mouths are weird? Wait, fuck, I’m doing it again. My mouth is normal, it’s preds that have weird mouths, with their sharp teeth, and rasping tongues, and total lack of molars. It’s like walking around with a cutlery set strapped to your face.

What does it say about me that I have to constantly remind myself that I am the normal one?

Back in reality, my boss had already texted me that I had the day off, so my docket contained loafing around the apartment, and doing jack squat else. Another long, boring night stuck at home. It’s not like I could afford to go out and hit up a bar or something-

Wait a minute. I checked my bank account, and my eyes boggled. I had nearly two THOUSAND dollars to my name. That was, like, as much as I’d had in my savings when I lived on Flock Street. It must have been a dream. The whole thing.

I reloaded the page, my connection pulling it back up achingly slow. There was fifty dollars more in the account. It was like a dream, in that I didn’t fully understand it now, and it probably won’t be true by morning.

I felt like I was floating. I could go out, hang with friends, and actually have a decent lunch. I could get some tacos, or go to that café I loved in high school, or, or go back to that place I had breakfast with Dora that one time!

 _Or I could move out._ The thought hit me out of nowhere. I mean, I’d wanted to move out since I first moved in. Pack Street had not treated me well, and I had returned the favor. Sure, this last week had been okay, but that was one good week. The rest of the time I had spent in fear, depression, or getting pushed around by my neighbors.

I hated Avo, or, at least, I thought I did. Marty was an asshole 24/7, Betty and Charlie abused me for my wool, and Al was the biggest fuck of them all! The only good one was Annie, and if I wanted to see her, I had to see Wolt. I could stand Wolt, but yesterday he was stopping at nothing to get in my pants until he did! Then, as soon as he did cum, he ditched us because he had ‘Work in the morning, and it was like noon.’ Did they just want me for my dick?

Probably. My dick was the only reason I’m even having this discussion. I finally get some cash together, and it’s because I was born with a giant penis. That’s what Dora wanted, the cash, not my dick. I was a business decision to her.

I flopped back onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. Marty only liked me right now because I amused him, and as soon as someone else made him laugh, they’d be the new favorite. Ozzy couldn’t even meet my gaze yesterday. And Charlie was going insane, and probably would have gone more insane if she knew about how much it actually was.

I think Ozzy hurt the most, andat least Charlie was honest about what she wanted.

I rubbed my hooves into my eyes, trying to drive these thoughts away, or at least see enough pretty lights to make them make sense. Was I right about this? I can be pretty bullheaded about my own situation; a lesson I thought I had learnt before I had moved out here, but then had been swiftly proven wrong multiple times.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe I’m UNDERthinking this. I needed a coffee, and thirty more minutes of sleep, and a stiff drink, and a shower, and six more brains to even begin to make any of this understandable.

Then someone shouted my name from outside, the yell accompanied by twin heavy thumps on my door.

I stretched, rubbed some feeling back into my thighs, and got up. I opened the door to reveal the two big burly, and above all, STRONG gym mammals known as Neil and Cliff.

“Remmy!” They shouted, throwing their paws into the air in greeting.

“Sup,” I said, giving the two matching affectionate punches on the arm as they entered.

“Not much, not much, just checking in,” boomed Cliff. I don’t think he had an inside voice.

“We haven’t seen you at the gym in a week,” broke in Neil, “we were getting worried.”

I looked between the two of them, eyes sharp for signs of nervousness or a reason to doubt that story. I don’t think either of them even knew where I lived, so there was no way this was a coincidence. “You guys were worried about me?” I asked.

“I mean, yeah,” said Cliff as they both took in the chaos that was my living room/kitchen. Avo had brought down another seat for last night, so at the very least I had three pieces of furniture to my name. That being said, if you combined both chairs and the couch, it was going to be hard finding a comfortable spot for the two swole animals. Unrelatedly, I should wash all of them, although I don’t think I know anyone with a firehose. Neil and Cliff both eyed the couch and had a quick impromptu wrestling match over who would get the most comfortable spot. Neil won, but looked he regretted his victory when the cushion squelched beneath him.

“So, how you two doing?” I asked, not acknowledging the mess of condom wrappers and lube stains that was my floor. If they weren’t going to ask, I saw no reason to tell.

“Doing good, mammal,” Neil said, shifting around to find a dry spot to sit, “hit a personal best yesterday. Been working up to that for months!”

“Use it, or lose it,” Cliff added.

I nodded as they spoke, maybe I was just too stuck in my head right now. A trip to the gym sounded like just what I needed to kick myself out of this funk. Although, after last night, maybe it could wait a couple more hours. Or days.

“Hit anything big yourself?” asked the lion, swiveling in the chair Avo had brought down like an impatient cub.

“I’ve been working on cardio,” It was technically true.

“Oh yeah,” said Neil, giving an exaggerated wink to the lion across from him, “we’ve been hearing all about that from Avo.”

The smile on my face froze. This was it, wasn’t it? This is how she got me back.

Cliff nodded, putting on a sage expression, “That’s one way to get your blood pumping, and it’ll keep you limber. Works out all the core muscles too.” He slapped his stomach, sounding like he’d just hit a slab of granite, “that’s how you get abs like these.”

“Good for arm strength too,” said Neil, flexing his impressive biceps, “we’ve considered doing it ourselves, but we might be too recognizable.”

“Don’t worry though,” Cliff was fast to add, “your secret’s safe with us.”

I finally let my breath out, not even realizing I had been holding it. “It’s pretty cool that you guys are okay with this.”

The two exchanged a look, Neil shrugging, Cliff giving him a bemused expression. “Of course we’re cool with it,” the tiger said, “it’s really an honor to find out that our friend is The Battering Ram, Flock Street’s top underground wrestler.”

Oh. OH. “Just don’t spread it around,” I said, in a stage whisper that didn’t even convince me.

Cliff winked, Neil pretended to zip his lips closed. “No problemo.”

“I hate to bring this to an end, but…” The two got my hint and stood up, the three of us shuffling towards the door. “So, uh, see you guys when I see you.”

“So, Thursday,” offhanded Cliff, “during your cage match against The Caped Capybara!” He mimed throwing a cape around his shoulders, and struck a heroic pose. “The dark of the night shall punish you all! The whole gym’s gonna be there, Avo was selling it so hard.”

“Is that so?” I faked curiosity, my voice rising to nearly a squeak.

“Yep, can’t wait to see you deliver your signature move:” Neil appeared to flail in the air at random while shouting nonsense syllables, “Iӓ, iӓ, Shub-Niggurath! Sk’shuul agth vorzz ssaggh’shgn naggwa’fssh!”

I gave him the old hoof guns, and winked, “Yep, you two will definitely be hearing those exacts words next Thursday, and they will absolutely be coming from my mouth.” The two brought their left arms straight up and extending the right out in a ninety degree angle, putting on serious faces for an odd moment that made me think that I had just been jumped into a cult. Then they broke down giggling to themselves like school girls as they walked away.

So THAT was Avo’s plan. I had one week to learn how to be an underground wrestler, or actually discover the identity of this 'Battering Ram,' and convince him to pretend to be me. There was, of course, option three, which was to admit to Neil and Cliff that I was an internet prostitute in my free time. Or I could never show my face around here again. Dora’s place was pretty nice, maybe I could bum on her couch for a few weeks. I could see about getting an apartment somewhere else, now that I could afford it.

“Hi, Remmy!” I jumped at my name and whipped my head around, searching for its origins. Once again, I had lost myself into my own fantasy world. I can’t move out, not yet at least.

“Down here,” it was a pleasant voice, slight lilt, just the barest hint of huskiness, very feminine. Almost childlike, really. I looked down and Marty’s door was open, standing in it was a happily smiling Martina, who was waving at me.

“Hello,” I called back, waving back, “didn’t know you would be around today.”

“Oh, you know,” she said, stepping away from the door and pulling a large bottle of grape Faygo with her. She must have been delivering it to her brother when I interrupted, “If Marty’s around, I’m usually not too far.” She gave me a smile and it was like the sun coming out on a rainy summer day. “We can be kind of inseparable at times.”

“It’s nice that you two get along so well.”

She swished her arms around, giggling at the remark, “He, he, aw, that’s nice of you to say.”

I twiddled my hooves together, then said, “Well, uh, did you want something, or…?”

“Nope! Just stopping in to say hi to everyone.”

“Well, hi, and, uh, bye,” I retreated back into my room before I could make it any more awkward.

Hoookay, well that was surprisingly pleasant. I’d miss Martina, when I moved out. Her and Ozzy, but I had more important things to worry about right now, like returning to my previously scheduled spiral into depression. Yes, I know I’m being melodramatic, no that won’t stop me.

I don’t really want to think about all that right now, though, so I tidied the place up a little. Avo had wandered off with the used condoms, apparently Dora having instructed her to keep them for resale. Thinking about it made me gag a little, but if people want to pay for that kind of thing, I’m not going to stop them. Especially if the on they're paying is me.

My door unlocked itself and an armadillo, as well as two other small mammals I recognized entered my room.

“This is our only open apartment,” my landlord said to Don and Dewey, “It’s got a mold problem, and comes as is, but it’s the corner, so you only share one wall with another place.”

I cleared my throat, and the armadillo turned to me, not even jumping. She fixed her glasses, and seemed to notice me for the first time. “Mr. Convo,” almost my name, “what are you doing in 1C?”

“This is 2C,” I clarified. She gave me a stern look.

“I am a Capricorn, Mr. Convo, I think I would remember going up a flight of stairs.”

“We did go up a flight of stairs,” offered Dewey, his voice chipper and helpful.

“It said 2C on the door,” stated Don, his voice flat.

The armadillo looked suspiciously between the three of us, like we were all trying to pull the wool over her eyes. She moved to the door and inspected the plate closely, even scratching at it with a long claw.

“Mmm, sorry to disturb you then, Mr. Convo, do remember that rent is due next week.” She walked off, presumably headed to 1C, the apartment Ozzy occupied.

“The vacant room is1E,” I clarified to the two as they shuffled out behind her.

“Thanks, my guy, good to see you again,” replied Dewey as he waved and slipped around the corner.

“Bye,” said Don, shutting the door behind him.

I slumped back onto my couch. It keeps happening. Who's next, world? Who next of the giant cadre of animals I know are you going to have walk into my life next? My mom? Dad, maybe? Is my old high school crush going to show up in an Insane Clown Possum t-shirt, phone in hand, and wonder why I had never fucked HER in a public bathroom and put it online? Is that why we broke up, Candice, because I wasn’t kinky enough for you? Or was it because you blew six dudes behind a dumpster for $12 and a pack of gum?

_Thwack!_

I jumped at the sound. A trash bag had smashed into my window, spreading the contents across my fire escape. Jegus fuck, what the hell? I ran over and shoved it open, sticking my head out and glaring around wildly to find who was responsible.

“Hey, you, sheep!” A hyena I didn’t recognize was standing in the alley, presumably the one who had thrown the bag. He was inexplicably wearing clown makeup.

“What?” I shouted back.

“Get down here for sloppy make outs and so you can step on my dick!”

“Fuck off!”

“Rude.”

I shook my head, and slammed the window. Lamb almighty, I was this close to doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off that fire escape onto that hyena’s face. The nerve of some animals. I couldn’t even begin to fathom the balls it took to just go around and ask that of the first random stranger to answer his window when you throw shit at it. Wait, don’t I know that guy from somewhere?

As I was racking my brain for hyenas with a trampling fetish there was a soft, almost faltering knock at my door. I ignored it. Then it came again, much more forcefully, but still enough restraint to imply the caller could knock much harder if required. Hard enough to bash in a doorjamb, for instance.

I opened my door to a tall, slightly deer: one Ms. Roe.

“Ozzy’s one floor down,” I said, making to return to my cleaning. I did not need her of all animals seeing my place like this.

“Oh, I’m here to see you today, Remmy,” she replied.

“Oh, well, wait,” now my own suspicions were raised. “Did Al send you?”

“No!” she shouted, appalled. Then she covered her mouth and repeated, “No, no, he did not send me, but it does concern him.”

All of the hate. All of it. Did I punch out a psychic in a former life? Was my father secretly a serial killer? Maybe I accidentally burnt down an Ouija factory? Do I just have shit luck? Tell me world, because I’d like to get off this ride.

I formed a fist with one hoof, an O with the other, and brought them together. She blushed, hard. “Is this you?” I asked. She nodded, her hooves covering her mouth, trying to hide some of the embarrassment. “Use more lube, actual lube, not just coconut oil, and call me in the morning.” She thanked me, and left. “Wait, don’t actually call me in the morning!” I don’t think she heard that.

Maybe it’d work out. Maybe Al would call me up one day and we’d have a nice chat and some crumpets and everyone would have a nice double reach around where I teach him to fuck prey and he stops being such an insane hard-ass on me. Then the ground shook as a huge pred stomped her way into the lobby, full of righteous fury, pheromones, and if that statistic going around the internet is to be believed, at least eight digesting spiders.

“Oh, fuck,” I said.

“Oh, fuck, indeed, little lamb.” Climbing up the stairs, like a Valkyrie of old, was a very out of breath Pandora. She was wearing a business suit, but her shirt was untucked, her tie was loosened, and judging by her heavy panting and paws on her knees, she had ran here. She straightened, took one last huge breath, and then shoved her phone into my face.

“Would you care to explain why my site has 400 new paid accounts created since yesterday morning,” her phone was locked, which was clearly not intentional. I could tell because of the grain and color, “90% of whom have only used their access to visit your gallery?”

The shit had officially gone off the handle. No, that was when I had first followed her to that bathroom. The shit and the handle were so far separated at this point that they’d come back around and were seeing a couple’s councilor, texting their friends that maybe they could work it out.

“Good advertising?” I joked. Her face immediately went dark and stormy at the remark, and she bullied her way into my apartment, pushing me back without any apparent effort.

She went straight for my bedroom, then spun on her heels to face me when I joined her. “Cormo, I’ve had a long, trying day keeping both my bank account open, and my website online. Here,” I hadn’t noticed it in the rush, but she was carrying two bags, which she passed to me. The first was from the liquor store, and contained two bottles: a red wine I couldn’t pronounce, and a whiskey that I didn’t recognize. Probably both way too top shelf for my grocery store beer drinking ass. I placed them in the freezer dutifully anyway. Do you chill wine? I transferred it to the refrigerator, to be on the safe side.

The other bag was from her store, and contained a butt plug, a bottle of lube, some of the condoms that actually fit me, and a handful of unlabeled packages. “Does this count as a business meeting now? Should I get Marty to take notes?” I asked as I entered my room. Only when I looked up from admiring the little ridges on the plug’s neck, oddly referred to as an ‘Ozzymandius,’ did I see that Dora was already naked except for a pair of black lace pantyhose with a green solar design.

She hooked a paw around my neck and practically hurled me onto my bed. “Remmy, if you want to put that sharp tongue of yours to good use,” her words came out as a hiss through her toothy grimace, “Eat me the fuck out.” She joined me, climbing up to sit on my chest, forcing my breath out when she put her weight down. Then she grabbed the back of my head and forced my mouth to her crotch. “Eat your dinner, little lamb, you’ll need the energy,” she shivered as my attentions began. “Oh, yes, that’s what I’ve been needing. Now don’t wear yourself out yet.” She leaned back, grabbing her bag of supplies, “I’ve got a _hell_ of a night planned for the two of us.”

YES. HELL YES. HELL. FUCKING. YES.


	4. Intermission: Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since Remmy had opened up about his, uh, new business venture, Ozzy had been avoiding him. So, logically, Remmy decides that the best way to get back in his good graces is to tell him the best joke in all of Zootopia!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Insert 5 pages of screaming and talking about nothing here]

“So the oddest thing happened to me the other day,” I began, drawing Ozzy’s rapt attention-

 

**Meanwhile, on the other side of town, in a house about to be struck by a meteor,**

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 7th of May, 2017, is his birthday. Though he was given life 21 years ago, it is only today that he will lose his anal virginity.

Besides losing his anal virginity, he has many various interests including BEING A COWBOY, HOODIES, and HAVING MANY UNRESOLVED PERSONAL ISSUES. Today, however, he can forget about his dark slide into crippling depression for a couple hours, because it is an extra special birthday. For today is the day that this very lucky animal will receive his name! What should he be called?

>Stink Twink

Oh, no, looks like he doesn’t like that. Why don’t you try again?

>Hugh Janus

Oh, that was very rude, but he likes the Hugh part, so let’s call him Hugh. Say hello Hugh! That’s your middle finger, Hugh. Very uncouth. Now, what should Hugh do while waiting for his friends to come over and join the party?

>Fap to Swinton porn

Hugh tries for hours to jack it to that disgusting tub of lard, but just can’t get it up while looking at her. Fat chicks are gross, even if her age is kind of a turn on.

>Eat own butt

OH SHIT! Hugh completely forgot he was baking a cake in the shape of his anus to remind his friends what they were all planning to do! Look at him rush down the stairs, claws clattering everywhere. What a fool he was, wasting all that time trying to masturbate to Swinton, when everyone knows that the hotter candidate by far was Canidae. Honestly, Hugh, you have such poor taste in political figures.

The oven dings done just as he gets to it. You saved it this time, young man, but you should really, like, set a timer on your phone or something. You could burn down your house, or worse, slightly overcook the cake! No one likes tough cake.

>Call friends, cancel party, find a hyena in an alley and step on his dick

Why the flying fuck would he do any of those things? Put the phone away, Hugh, you’re having this party whether you like it or not.

Also stop googling hyena dick, you already know what they look like. God knows you’ve already sucked on enough of ‘em.

>Cover butt in white sticky stuff

Hugh frosts the cake with his favorite specialty cream cheese frosting he made himself. He’s been so excited for the party that he’s been practicing the recipe all week! Sometimes up to four times a day! He’s had to make it so many times he’s pretty sure he’ll go blind! From reading the recipe of course!

Ah well, it’s all for the good of the party, and look, his two friends are here! A rabbit in glasses and a FETCHING SWEATER, as well as a polecat with POOR CHOICE IN CLOTHING FOR THIS SUMMER OUTDOOR AFFAIR.

This rabbit has many interests as well, including WEARING AND OWNING GLASSES, A TOTAL LACK OF SELF ACTUALIZATION, and DESCENDING INTO A DRINK AND DRUG FUELED SPIRAL OF REVENGE BECAUSE SHE CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE SURVIVE THEIR DAILY LIVES WITH ALL OF THESE FUCKING THOUGHTS GOING AROUND ALL THE TIME. What should her name be?

>No one cares who’s the cutie

Standing about a head shorter than Hugh, a male polecat with striking blue eyes has also arrived at the party. It was his birthday some days ago, but he didn’t get to have a name, so sad. Why don’t we have pity and give the tiny, useless, worthless, total waste of space, black hole of emotions, rude boy a name?

>Perky of the Amazing Nipples

That’s waaaaaaay too long a name for such a small mammal. Try again, and stop fooling around so much, they’re already behind schedule for the anal rape!

>Percy McLastName the Third Esq.

Got it in two! Great work.

Hugh is just so happy to see his friends, he immediately shows them the cake. They’ve both been planning for this party for months, and congratulate him on the occasion then they all pop some fortys and getting fukken smashed m8, like rite proper toasted

>use megraphone to yell parrty to world at lareg

Hugh grabs his Disney Branded MegaraPhone© and invites the whole neighborhood over. He needs a hero, you know. Someone fast, someone quick, and someone with a medium sized dick for his virgin hole.

Thankfully, someone fitting just that description has arrived!

>no fuck that call some strippers

Hugh pulls out his handy Stripper Summoning Device and thrusts it far above his head, the ultrasonic waves permeating through the air, beckoning all strippers in the area!

>but what about the blackjack

Hugh gets in on the blackjack game and immediately loses all his clothes. Thankfully they let him keep the nipple tassels.

Then the strippers arrive and gazelle is there and she is all like, try everything, including eating my asshole, and shoves percy just all the way up in there, like, allllll the way up in there. It’s genuinely impressive. Anyway then Hugh and <Female character of your preferred ship> hug sexually and he gets fugged in the bum by Remmy cormo or a hyena or something. I don’t fucking care. Your mother left this house in shambles. I can barely afford rent and both of us are going to suffer from my raging alcoholism.

You’re a good kid though, Hugh Janus, don’t, don’t let this world keep you down. And we both know you actually liked being called Stink Twink, but you, you, gotta, urp, you gotta own it. You gotta just look in the mirror and say ‘that’s me, im the stink twink, fuck the haters.’ And, and that’s how you actually come to, like, understand the universe, hugh, not like that Maxine chick. Too much brain in her head, not enough smarts. But, you stick with your old pal, narrator, whom is me, and you’ll do just fine, cause we’re, we’re, hold up, I gotta go churl on something expensive

Don’t go in the attic for like, uh, a couple datys, or the basement, don’t ask hwy, sjut dont, anyway that’s why santa is skipping our house this year.

>Acquire arms

This thread has been locked by the moderators because [Quest Abandoned by Author].

 

**Meanwhile, back at Pack Street**

“The aristocrats!” I shouted, throwing my hooves in the air for emphasis.

The hyena opposite me blinked, pulled in a breath, let it out, and then got up with measured movements. “I genuinely regret ever having met you.” He said, looking me dead in the eye, “Stick to the fucking next time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus ends this little sidetrack. The next Remmy Makes a Mistake content will return to the proper porn, er, storyline, with "Remmy Makes a Mistake 4: It took me this goddamn long to get to the gay stuff."

**Author's Note:**

> This is for all the good people out there who wanted to see Remmy get caught by the Pack. Well guess what? Remmy is far too unsubtle to not out himself the first chance he gets.


End file.
